sine nomine writes:
i’ve been in therapy most of my adult life because of Bad Things in my childhood. some of the Bad Things involved food restriction; the woman my father married a few years after my mom died was extremely controlling about everything, including food. we were only allowed to eat specifically what she said we could eat when she said we could eat it. she decided that we couldn’t have breakfast anymore because we didn’t need it. she did things like baking cookies and counting them every day to be sure no one had had an unauthorized cookie.
i left home after graduation on a national merit scholarship to baylor. i underestimated the amount of my student loan (i forgot about books) and so the second semester could only afford the “lunch five days a week” boarding plan. i flunked out because i was a complete mess and i spent most of the following summer living on very little money and so not eating much. when i married, i ended up buying way too much food we’d never eat because i needed to have it around, and i gained a lot of weight. i think part of it was that i could finally actually eat what i wanted when i wanted. when we divorced and i was incredibly poor, i lost weight because i didn’t have enough to eat.
a lot of my weight issues are related to the repeated episode of food deprivation. it’s something i acknowledge.
i was referred to my ex-therapist bill by a friend’s shrink. i did not realize until the first session that was considered himself a weight-loss coach as well as a counselor. when he mentioned that, i made it very clear that my weight was not part of why i was seeking help.he pushed, i resisted, we dropped the subject, although at least once i got very angry at him for pushing me about my weight.
fairly early on i was talking about this dialectic i have: i want to hide and to be noticed all at once. he said something about how it would be hard for me to hide, so obviously the desire to be seen was stronger. i was confused and he said that obviously because of my size, everyone was noticing me. i don’t remember exactly what he said but the implication was that i was so fat that people couldn’t help but notice and judge.
a few months later i realized that i’d been being really really self-conscious in public for a while. it was because before he said that, i hadn’t really thought about how other people perceived my size. i’d been naked in public before. after he said that, i started wondering which of the people i passed was thinking, “what a disgusting fat cow.”
that’s why i fired him. some day i will get up the nerve to email him and tell him why i stopped showing up.