Self-esteem issues? Tough shit, you’re fat and you’re not doing anything right.

ITladyJ writes:

TW; Borderline ED
When I was young I was skinny, mostly thanks to ADHD medication. When I was a junior in high school I went on birth control…lo and behold, the things I was allowed to “get away with” caught up with me. I am currently 5’3″ and in the neighborhood of 165-170.
Over the past year, I began really obsessing over my weight. How I managed to avoid starving myself, puking and making myself run until I collapsed when a chorus of voices in my head told me to just do that…I have no idea. I would verbally (silently and out loud) berate myself. I’d slap myself, call myself names…and just mentally attack myself. I can be sweet and compassionate to others, but I was a demon to myself.
I couldn’t think about anything else. I felt lost, and hopeless. I even told myself that my boyfriend of five years (who has been nothing but loving, supportive and awesome) really didn’t love me and was going to leave me for someone better if I didn’t lose weight. Just awful stuff.
My mother told me to get help. So I found Jan the counselor, who is one of the best people to ever walk the face of the earth. Not judgmental, loving, supportive, was able to encourage me to find exercise I liked, eat healthy in a way that fits a busy working/college life, and (most importantly) work on building myself back up. I ate healtheir, walked more, and even started going to the gym on campus (at least 1x week). When I went to go see my PCP I figured she would be pleased to know about my progress.

A few weeks before, I felt moved to go run around a few blocks in town. Usually I despise running, but this felt good. Then my legs hurt like hell. My neighbor (a physical therapist with a doctorate) figures it’s shin splints. She tells me to take it easy, eventually build up to running, and suggests exercises that won’t, um, make it worse. So I discover the elliptical and fall in love.

I told my doctor about it- proudly telling her how I am eating a healthier diet, working out, taking vitamins…etc.

“Everyone gets pain in their legs when they run.”
It all went downhill from there. I get a big lecture on how I need to start running, drop weight, and she orders a whole panel of blood tests to make sure my cholesterol/blood sugar/thyroid/metabolism are okay (a few years ago when I wasn’t as healthy, but was skinner, my numbers kicked ass). My BP was 120/90 (which is within normal range) but she insists that I return in six months to have it checked again, and let me know that she expects my weight to be down by then.
“Have you had breakfast today?”
“No, I didn’t get to grab breakfast yet.”
“Good, you can do the blood test today.”
(Did I mention that I am terrified of needles?)
I left that office in tears, feeling defeated… why bother? Didn’t she realize that “no pain no gain” is outdated and dangerous? What part of “I’m seeing a counselor due to self-esteem issues” did she NOT hear?
I spent the better part of an hour after that appointment, calling my mother, calling Jan (who was away-and glad that I had the presence of mind to contact her), and trying to figure out how I’d get through the blood test. Finally I composed myself enough to go in, and get it done. The tech was one of the sweetest people when I explained the situation. She talked to me so I’d be a bit distracted and gave me a hug afterward (and of course, I begin to weep again).

Tomorrow I should have my results in. Due to ADHD medication, I’m shackled until I can find someone who can handle that until my appointment with a new person (who my mother recommended). If I have to go back for the results, I can’t wait to either:
-see that maybe my thyroid is messed up and be able to fix it
-see that my numbers are fine so I can tell her to fuck off.

(Sorry for the language).
(cross your fingers for me).
My cholesterol was excellent, my thyroid is normal, and my glucose was normal.

Leave a comment


  1. Hooray for you! I’m so glad you got the help you needed when you needed it and that they were able to back you up with this doctor. *HUGS*

  2. Good for you! I hope things continue to improve for you.

  3. faycinacroud

     /  November 30, 2013

    Not everyone gets leg pain when they run. This doctor is full of crap and her misinformation could cause a person to continue to work an injury, thus making it worse.
    The 90 diastolic reading is something to keep an eye on (the lower half of the blood pressure reading.) It’s borderline hypertensive. However, many things, including medications, can cause hypertension. It is not a “disease of obesity.”

  4. Just a note: Low magnesium may cause issues with muscle spasms, including the walls of blood vessels, increasing blood pressure, and sometimes triggering migraines. Some folks take 400-500 mg of magnesium a day to prevent/reduce migraines; check with a trustworthy doc to see if this may help with the blood pressure.

  5. But did you tell her to fuck off? Because you’re my hero if you did!

    • sportzriter13

       /  July 5, 2014

      Unfortunately, I did not. However, I had a chat with the office manager, letting her know that doc was out of line and she’s driven me away from the practice (which, of course, is bad for their business).Finally got my records transferred over and left that place.

      The last few appointments with ADHD doc showed BP is excellent…either it was a fluke or a misread. I’m active (running is much better with the right shoes and shins that aren’t hurting), happy and as far as all is concerned, healthy.

      I’m on a multi vitamin that (I think) contains magnesium. I don’t get migraines often…and if I do, high heat+humidity or allergies are usually to blame. I take an otc allergy med, always carry a water bottle (adhd meds can cause or worsen dehydration) adhd I’m usually right as rain. I will double check on that!

      I’ve been seeing the counselor for almost a year now and I’m in a much better place. It’s scary to think of how I would’ve probably reacted if I hadn’t been seeing her at the time this happened.

  6. First and foremost: I am so proud of you. You did not have to say or do anything except show up. The numbers spoke for you. You have a great attitude and it is inspiring. I think it is incredible that doctors look past EVERYTHING else and only see weight as an issue. People think that if you don’t look like a Victoria Secret model you are “overweight.” Everyone has that extra fat and doctors are so caught up with the idea that we have to be fit and that means being skinny. WRONG! There are olympic athletes, like Olympic weightlifter Cheryl Haworth, who are fit, but definitely are not seen as thin. So honestly, doctors are obsessed with this notion that being fit and begin “thin” have a direct correlation when in reality they do not. As long as you are happy with yourself, who cares what anyone else thinks? Do it for yourself and let no one, not even doctors, bring you down. Taylor Swift said it best: Shake it off!


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